When a year passes go and we collect our $200 of debt, it is the obvious time to reflect on one's life. Whether we do so because our conditioning is so rigid or the psychological effects of winter weather kick in - at least it aims itself in a positive view to use this time to make changes. We garner such a huge amount of "this will be the year" that infects our brains so rapidly that after only a couple of short months later, that conviction has waned. I too struggle from this condition and even applied reverse psychology on myself - "This year I will gain 20 lbs and eat bacon for every meal." Mmm, doesn't that sound amazing? Now, I could never let myself do that and so I've failed on my New Years Resolution, but such failure is deemed a success. Woo me! I've changed the contextual condition of the semantic meaning of failure to make myself look badass!
Some people can run and exercise all the time, I cannot. I could as a kid and through about my mid 20's, but then my knees and hip declined to work... and 4 surgeries later, it has not changed for any better. I do suffer from my conversations pointing towards what I was when I could, and that has become depressing. Sadly, it has been dating which has been the catalyst to build this barrier. Everyone wants an active lifestyle, and when you physically cannot achieve that - it becomes a negative. So, I try to explain how 10 years ago, I could climb 3 14'ers a day, naked, in the cold, carrying a small goat on my back. Yet, it often fails because unless you've known me for 20+ years, one cannot garner that much understanding acceptance necessary to fill out that "perfect mate" checklist. I guess what I am saying is - it is extremely tough to have your personality and desires stunted by your body's ability to fulfill them. I honestly get sad watching basketball, tennis or soccer. I want to be out there on the field. It was my home. These plastic chairs in the peanut gallery just suck and do nothing to feed my competitiveness. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to be paralyzed... but my heart certainly goes out to those who are. Their struggle and the amount of strength it takes is akin to my friend who had the heart transplant a few years back.
Some people do drugs. I don't, never did, never will. However, I do miss the "high" I got from exercising so much.
Some people eat. That's me. I can remember eating massive amounts of food and losing weight because of my exercise regimen and multiple year round sports. I used to drink a slimfast after every meal, do the weight gainer 8 million and had a personal trainer work on me to build up my muscle. What is funny is when you look at my arms, they are strong, but tiny. I couldn't gain any weight at all with all of those ingredients trying to get me to bulk up. Now, because of my knees the most difficult thing to do is not eat the amounts of food I have been accustomed to since I was a fetus. Now, my beagle, Copper, if given a bag of food would eat - throw up - eat - throw up - eat ... until everything was gone. And because I have the measuring cups, that won't happen.
So, all of that mumbling and blabber above is to say, my New Year's Resolution is to hire a chef to make healthy, portioned meals and hire a "life" secretary to shock me if I stray beyond my boundaries. This seems funny but it is almost necessary because when I get into those "crazy musician" dark moods, food is there to blanket me... and sushi is just too expensive to have all the time. If I could, I'd be perfect!
So, final answer: "This year I will turn all of my excuses and self-inflicted emotional reactions of the reality of life... into motivators. I will find a way to quench my competitive physical thirst through safe channels. I will finish my new CD and start working on a Christmas CD for 2010. I will make it my duty to do those things that ought to have been done, but would not have been done unless I do it. I will make valiant strides ahead to be... a better man for myself." And if anyone can help me figure this all out... please, show me how!
Chad
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Author: Chad Beall
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